Ed Cooper?

Ed Cooper?The Daily Mash at it’s Best

ED Balls will today attempt to convince Britain that we have him confused with that smug little prick who ruined everything.

The shadow chancellor will tell the Labour conference that while he looks vaguely like himself he is actually an up and coming politician full of brilliant ideas.

And to complete the illusion he has taken his wife’s surname of ‘Cooper’ so that horrid bullies do not use his real last name as an excuse for remembering who he is and then chasing him down the street with a broken bottle.

Mr Cooper will say: “Hi, I’m the shadow chancellor and I’ve got some great ideas about how we can get rid of all the debt that got left here so mysteriously.

“We’ll never know how Britain got into such a mess, but it’s okay because I’m here now with my completely new and exciting theories about public finance.”

Gordon Brown’s former scrotum buffer will then hand everyone in Britain a business card which says ‘Ed Cooper, problem solver.”

But Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “Yeah, actually, we’ve met. I know who you are, you bumptious little twat.

“I recognised your meaty face and your shit-eating, thin-lipped grin immediately. Then there’s your voice, so arrogant, humourless and chippy that it makes my ears want to throw up.

“But the real giveaway is your signature scent. You could be at the other end of a busy room and I would know you were there just from the stench of your bullshit.

“That said, you should change your name. Ed’s really boring. What about ‘Fanny’?”

via The Daily Mash – Ed Balls to pretend we’ve never met.

Balls

Ed Balls has indeed held his seat. As David Dimbleby says, the Tories have been denied their “Portillo moment”. After the result, Mr Balls acknowledges it was “quite close” and pays tribute to his Conservative opponent for fighting a “straight” and “decent” campaign.

Labour Calls for Tactical Vote Rigging

The Daily Mash take on Postal Voting, Vote Rigging and Tactical Voting.

THE Labour Party has urged its vote riggers in key marginal seats to make it look as if quite a lot of fictional people have voted Liberal Democrat.

With polling just two days away, senior Labour figures said the postal votes of people who don’t exist should be used to stop the Tories, but not in the sort of really obvious way that even a British policeman would notice.

One source said: “As we enter the jiggery-pokery stage, it is vital that fictitious Lib Dem voters use their non-existent heads instead of their imaginary hearts.

Read More here

The Daily Mash – LABOUR CALLS FOR TACTICAL VOTE-RIGGING.

Somebody doesn’t like Balls

Matthew Norman writing in the  Independent has this to say on Ed Balls

If the intention was to supplant Michael Howard as Guinness record-holder for Most Humiliatingly Prevaricative Paxo Stuffing it was a close thing. If he wished to demonstrate why his leadership would kill Labour as an electoral force for 15 years, if not for ever, there he unquestionably succeeded.

Cocky, fake, slimy, inelegant, ineloquent, charmless, witless, weird, sinister, glacially cold and luminescently remote, he may be the most chillingly repulsive politician of even this golden generation. If Pixar set out to create a CGI character to embody everything the public has learned to despise about its political class, they’d be thrilled to come up with this lizardy schemer, who may have slipped through a tear in the fabric of space-time himself. Certainly he seems best suited to skulking beneath stone archways, in a purple robe, sibilantly sidling poison into the bloodstream of the medieval Vatican.

For a decade and more, this greyest of eminences has stirred, fixed, briefed and bullied, first to remove Mr Tony Blair; and latterly in the cause – keeping his master in power – that has pushed his party to the edge of the abyss. If he has a political philosophy, it is the domineering, top-down, we-know-best, infantilising statism of Gordon himself, but it’s not really about that. For Mr Balls, it is football thug tribalism – a with-us-or-against-us Manichean sensibility next to which Mrs Thatcher seems a proto-Cleggian champion of consensus.

Meow. Couldn’t agree more.

Matthew Norman: Will Blinky consign Labour to history? – Matthew Norman, Commentators – The Independent.

Balls Blames his Brats – Will he claim it on Expenses

Blames his Brats

Using excuse no 6 on page 3 of the bad drivers manual Children’s Secretary Ed Balls has apologised after been fined £60 for using a mobile phone while driving.

He said he had been stopped immediately by pigs police and had thrown his toys out of the pram accepted the fine and three points on his licence.

Mr Balls said, through gritted teeth,  he supported the policy and law on not using mobile phones while driving and  was fucked off he had been caught “deeply regretted” this incident.

He had already told the Sunday Mirror how he took the phone off its hand-free cradle so as to not wake his children.

So instead of doing something safely and stopping and ensuring his kids safety he blames them for his misdemeanour.

It appears he has taken this excuse straight from the Labour Manual of dire excuses to give the press when caught screwing something up yet again. They just can’t tell the truth.

Never mind Mr Balls I’m sure you can just charge it to us via your expenses you seem to have done that normally.

BBC News – Balls apologises over fine for using mobile in car.